


Iris

by obsessivelyintrigued



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Song Lyrics, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 23:18:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6631174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivelyintrigued/pseuds/obsessivelyintrigued
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben turns away, gulping. "You don't understand Poe."</p><p>"What, what is it I don't understand?"</p><p>Shaking his head, Ben heard the Millennium Falcon roar to life but before he can pull away or say anything, Poe said.</p><p>"Make me understand, Ben."</p><p>"I don't want to be a jedi."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Iris

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MayLovelies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayLovelies/gifts).



_And I'd give up forever to touch you_  
_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_  
_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_  
_And I don't want to go home right now_

Young Ben Solo watch as Poe Dameron runs towards the lowered ramp of the Millennium Falcon and to him, enveloping him in a tight hug.

Smiling, Ben hugs his friend back, "Nice to see you again, Poe."

"Ben, I've missed you." Poe whispers close to his ear before pulling back. "You've grown so tall!"

"You're not just keeping up." Ben retorts. And when Poe laughs that laugh of his -the way his body moves, his head thrown back and curls lightly touching his forehead- fifteen year old Ben feels the butterflies in his stomach again.

"So what are you up to, Dameron?"

"Oh yeah, you gotta see it!" Poe grabs his wrist and runs to the hangar bay. Ben grins, seeing his friend so excited makes him jittery with excitement too.

Once inside, Poe let go of Ben's wrist in favor of taking his hand as he shows him around. "I'm rebuilding my mom's old A-wing. It's going good so far."

Staring in amazement, Ben let his free hand roam the newly painted exterior of the ship. Marveling at its restored beauty and glory, Poe grins proudly at him.

"How about the parts? I'm not sure everything is still available."

"Yeah," Poe sighs before continuing. "That could be a problem. But I'm not touching anything that can't be replaced. I'm mostly doing repairs."

"That's great, Poe. I'm sure-" Ben stops, leaving the statement open. He bites his bottom lip and tightens his hold on Poe's hand.

"Yeah, she'll be proud. I know." Poe smiles softly at him.

Ben smiles back, wishing they'd stop playing this game of cat and mouse. He doesn't really know what it is. He understands and refuses to acknowledge it at the same time.

Poe makes him happy. Makes him forget about his inner fights, the whispers in his head. Promises of great power that awaits him. Poe makes him forget the loneliness he feels whenever he's left alone in their cold, empty house after his parents' argument. Han flying away to cool off, and Leia off to some business in the New Republic.

And most of all, Poe reminds him that he's important. That he's worth something not only because of the power flowing through his veins. But because he is Ben Solo, that and nothing else.

But he doesn't want to be led by false assumptions. The way Poe looks at him, holds his hand, hugs him. He doesn't want to put too much meaning to it.

Especially when, for when he leaves, he knows Poe can't be a part of his life anymore.

Ben just doesn't know how to tell him.

_And all I can taste is this moment_  
_And all I can breathe is your life_  
_And sooner or later it's over_  
_I just don't wanna miss you tonight_

Staring up at the nightsky, Ben still doesn't know how to tell Poe.

They were lying down on the grass beneath the Force-sensitive tree outside the Damerons'. Ben can feel the heat coming off of Poe's body beside him, comforting him despite the chilly wind blowing through the night.

Thoughts speed fast in his head. What ifs, how, what, why. Questions and situations telling him how this could go wrong.

"Ben."  
"Poe."

They both start at the same time. Poe chuckles beside him, hand reaching to grasp his. "You go first." he said.

"No, you go." Ben said.

"Nah, you go, Benny."

"No, Poe. You go first." Ben insists. Letting go of Poe's hand so he can cross his arms on his chest.

Poe sits up a bit, leaning on his elbow. He stares down at Ben who refuses to meet his gaze. He smiles gently, trying to memorize the way Ben's thick, black curls fall in his forehead. The way the moonlight shines on his pale skin and deep, dark eyes that is always so expressive, his long eyelashes touching his cheeks with every blink. That full, pink lips always telling Poe to be strong, that he can do it.

And Poe realize he has long since memorized this beautiful face. This wonderful person lying next to him.

"Ben, I-" taking a deep breath, Poe tries again. "Ben, I love you."

Ben swallows the lump in his throat and slowly shifts his gaze to Poe's who immediately met his. He tries to speak, mouth opening and closing, but nothing came out.

Poe can't help but smile sadly, he should've known. "I- I've been wanting to say that. I guess it's just too much to hold in it, you know?"

Ben doesn't know what to say, he obviously didn't see that one coming. Or he did, but he doesn't want to believe. He slowly raises his hand to touch Poe's cheek, softly running his hand on his cheekbone. Poe leans in to his touch, eyes closed and a smile playing at his lips.

"I love you too." Ben softly said before placing a chaste kiss on the other boy's lips.

He wasn't able to tell him. It could wait tomorrow. Ben just have to make it work.

_And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

The next morning, Poe drags him away before he goes back to the Falcon.

Poe kissed him again, smiling like he owns the universe when he pulls away. "So when are you going to visit again?" Poe whispers to his lips.

"I- uh." Ben stammers trying to find the right words.

Frowning, Poe asked. "Is there something wrong, Ben?"

"No, no. Nothing's wrong.

"Do you- regret this?" Poe ask, his tone hurt and worried as he lean back to give Ben and himself some space in case-

"No! No, of course not. Why would I?" Ben said, he hugged Poe tightly. "I just- I have to leave."

"Well, yes." Poe said as though it was a matter of fact. "You have to go back to your home planet. When are you going to visit again?"

"No, Poe." Ben tried to hold his gaze, but finding that he can't. "I'm going to leave to train with Uncle Luke. To be a jedi."

_When everything's meant to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_

"Ben, that's great!" Poe exclaimed, eyes lighting up with barely contained delight. "You'll be a great jedi!"

"That means I can't visit you as often, despite the fact the I'll be staying here on Yavin IV. I won't see you just as much."

"I'm sure we'll make it work." Poe assures, cupping his jaw and running a thumb on his cheeks. "It'll be easy."

Ben turns away, gulping. "You don't understand Poe."

"What, what is it I don't understand?"

Shaking his head, Ben heard the Millennium Falcon roar to life but before he can pull away or say anything, Poe said.

"Make me understand, Ben."

Ben locked his gaze on him, he can feel Poe through the Force. Even before, before they had this between them, he always did. And it comforts him and scares him at the same time, how he somehow made a bond -unconsciously- with Poe.

"I don't want to be a jedi."

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_  
_Or the moment of truth in your lies_

Ben tries to stop the trembling in his hand as he approach Poe.

It's been almost six years of training. And Poe is right, they made it work.

They see each other when they can, sometimes Ben would sneak when he thinks his Uncle Luke doesn't know. Or just visit him when he can, during the days that he training isn't so demanding.

But when Poe left to be a New Republic pilot, they start to see one another less and less.

And now, Ben fears this would be the last time they'll see each other again.

"Ben!" Poe grins at him and Ben stops just a few feet away.

He stare at Poe, memorizing his smile. The way his eyes lights up whenever he sees Ben.

And when Poe hugged him, Ben tried to soak in as much warmth from Poe, to remember his body close to him like this.

Poe kissed him, hand running up to tangle in Ben's hair. Ben holds his waist gently, cataloguing in his memory the feel of his lips on his own.

When they pull away, Ben tried to smile. "So you finally decided to go back to Yavin IV, flyboy?"

"Only to see you again, jedi." Poe chuckles then kisses him again.

Ben barely stop himself from cringing at the word, he knows that for Poe it was just a slip of the tongue. That he is so proud that his boyfriend will be a jedi one day.

But Ben knows it will never happen. And as much as it pains him to disappoint Poe -to leave him- he doesn't know what else he could do. There is no other choice.

Not for him.

He let Poe lead them back to his room. Let himself feel Poe this way once again, if not for the last time.

He spent the night with him. The night Ben knows will be the last he will have with Poe Dameron.

_When everything feels like the movies_  
_Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_

The humid air of Jakku feels suffocating as Kylo Ren stride out of his command shuttle, looking around almost uninterested until he lay eyes to someone who has what he needs.

"Look how old you've become." Ren said, smirking behind his mask at Lor San Tekka.

"Something far worse has happened to you." The old man replied.

"The map. To Skywalker. We know you have it." Ren walks around, closer to the traveler. "And now you're going to give it to the First Order."

Kylo Ren tunes out what the other man said, knowing its not about the map as he feels a familiar signature in the Force around him.

"You may try. But you cannot deny the truth that is your family."

His ear tingles at that word and the next thing he knows he was raising his lightsaber and the man dropped dead before him.

Then came a blaster shot.

He stopped the blaster shot in midair, feeling himself go tensed at the sight before him.

Poe Dameron stood rigid before him, the Force causing his body to stop moving.

The man was brought down to his knees before him. And the first thought that crossed his mind.

_"This was not supposed to happen."_

But Ren snapped out of it when Poe stare up at him through his lashes.

"So who talks first? You talk first, I talk first?"

"The old man gave it to you." He said, crouching in front of the pilot.

"It's hard to understand you with all the uh-" he gestures to his face but Ren stood up.

"Search him." Kylo Ren orders, seething behind his mask that those stormtroopers have to touch the pilot despite being aware of his orders. But he stops himself when one of the troopers said nothing.

"Bring him onboard." He orders, not even thinking twice about it.

_And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

"I didn't know we had the best pilot in Resistance onboard." Ren said, observing the pilot who is still rousing from his light slumber. "You comfortable?"

"Not really." The pilot drawls, staring at Ren with hate simmering just low enough not to burst.

"I'm impressed." Ren stands, walking closer to the pilot. "No one has been able to get out of you - what you did with the map."

"You might want to rethink your technique." came the pilot's snarky remark.

Ren raises his hand, intent on using the Force to this man for a second time. But he hesitates as he stare at those eyes.

Those eyes that look at him with hate, anger and disgust. Those eyes that used to look at him with wonder, admiration, love.

Pursing his lips, Ren closed his eyes behind the mask and started digging through the pilot's mind.

_When everything's meant to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_

He saw a boy -he saw _himself_ \- and the pilot. Saw the memories they had together.

The pilot's mother, a great and brave pilot, just like him. His friends, his squadron.

General Organa of the Resistance. That, that made him pause. But he continued.

Whispers in the night, with the stars who can only hear.

 _"I love you."_ The pilot whispers to the dark haired boy, hugging him close to his chest.

Then a droid. And the pilot is screaming, still fighting.

Kylo Ren stride out of the interrogation room, away from the pilot.

Away from the _Light_.

"It's on a droid. A BB unit." He said to General Hux and turned away.

That night, after the pilot escaped with the rogue stormtrooper, Kylo Ren lies on his bed, blankly staring on the ceiling until he fell asleep. Dreaming of touches on his skin, a pair of lips on his own. A hand grasping his hair and soft whispers of his name on his ear.

He wakes up with cold sweat running down his back and chest. Still feeling the lingering touches on his skin and one thought in mind.

_"I still love you, Poe."_

**Author's Note:**

> I don't exactly know when Ben was sent to train with Luke. But I opted to 15.
> 
> @MayLovely I hope I did justice to the song. I tried my best. Ily, bruh. Like I said, advance happy birthday! Lol.
> 
> Inspired by [this post](http://www.obsessivelyintrigued.tumblr.com/post/143260056891/darkpilot-iris-and-i-dont-want-the-world-to) I made on tumblr. The song is Iris by Goo Goo Dolls


End file.
